


This Isn't Better

by five_of_five



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, not necessarily in that order, scanlan needs a hug and an intervention, spoilers for episode 81
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 14:03:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9328100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/five_of_five/pseuds/five_of_five
Summary: After the battle against Thordak, Scanlan just wants to go home again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Most of the dialogue in this fic is taken directly from Episode 81 of Critical Role, I have changed a few words and added some bits to translate from modern language into something that would work for a fictional story and to adjust for conversations about spell levels. However all dialogue from the actors of Critical Role is theirs and I'm not trying to claim it as my own. All other words in this fic are mine.

“We should get to Whitestone,” Vex says softly. They have a location on Raishan, well they have an idea of how to maybe get information for a location on Raishan and it’s time to leave Emon.

“Is here taken care of and do we need to stop in on our h-home, our Keep,” Scanlan asks hesitantly. He rubs his eyes tiredly, he just wants to sleep and the thought of his bed back at Greyskull makes his voice falter for a moment. “And do anything there before we leave?”

“I mean can-aren’t we all tapped out? Can you get us to Whitestone now?” Vax asks Keyleth.

Scanlan blinks a few times; Vax just didn’t hear his question. His voice didn’t carry the way it normally would, came out smaller than usual, even considering his size compared to most of Vox Machina. He clears his throat; it’s just the lingering ash in the air, burning sulfur making his vocal chords contract. He’ll grab a lozenge or something later; Keyleth has some sort of druid herb thing that does wonders.

“Maybe we spend the night in the Keep,” Vex chimes in, with a small grin Scanlan’s way. “For old times sake.” There’s a chorus of “awwws” from his fellows at her words.

“For old time’s sake,” Scanlan smiles back tiredly as Pike gives him an understanding shoulder bump, his words already being drowned out by the excited agreement of his family.

“Oooh, yeah, the old hangout!” Grog cheers on.

“I-I-I could, I could get us to, back to Whitestone,” Keyleth stammers out visibly reluctant to break up the festive spirit. “But that would be it, after that I’m done, my spells will be pretty much exhausted.”

“We could go home,” it’s Percy’s voice, just as weary as all the rest of them. It takes Scanlan a moment to realize that Percy isn’t talking about Greyskull Keep. He means Whitestone.

“You couldn’t get all of us, right? I mean-” Scanlan says, and he feels almost guilty for the hope that flares briefly in his chest.

“No, _Transport via Plants_ ,” Keyleth says, assures him, some confidence returning along with a cheery nod.

“But like Jarrett and Kima and Gilmore and-,” Scanlan tries again, listing their allies who need to return to Whitestone with them only to be cut off by his friend’s affirmations, ringing about from all sides.

“If we all go quickly, yeah,” Gilmore nods, his voice cutting through the din.

“I think my record was like twenty-five people when we were moving refugees through,” Keyleth adds. “It’s pretty good, still trying to break that.” She looks so proud of herself that Scanlan feels even worse for hoping that they wouldn’t be able to make it back to Whitestone tonight.

“I would recommend not trying to break it,” Gilmore cautions, his face twisting briefly in a grimace. Everyone laughs and Scanlan forces himself to join in.

The conversation continues around Scanlan; jokes about near misses through tree portals leading somehow naturally to Percy asking about Gilmore’s plans for the future of his store, whether he plans to reopen the shop which had been destroyed in Emon or if he wants to stay on in Whitestone.

By the time he’s tuned back into the discussion Vex and Vax are trying to convince Kerr to abandon his troops from Westruun and come with them back to Whitestone too. Promises of good company and alcohol seem to be winning the old soldier over.

“Are we going now?” Scanlan cuts in on the twin’s laughing enticement. “We’re not even going to go to our Keep for a little bit.

“We did,” Vex says sounding a little sad. “We passed through on our way into the city.”

“Stopped by the ruins,” Percy brushes off.

Scanlan feels himself bristle, Greyskull isn’t in ruins. Their Keep may have a light layer of dust from disuse, may be a little messy after housing refugees from the city, but the dragons never touched their home. Well, a dragon touched their home, but Pike fixed it and you’d never be able to tell that there had been any damage now. Pike is wonderful like that, she made their Keep whole again; she makes all of them whole again.

“I could use a drink,” he hears Kerr agree, and like that they’re all going to Whitestone.

They say their farewells to Warmaster Daxio, make sure that all is settled with the armies and the Clasp, trusting in what little is left of the Council to run things while they chase Raishan. Kima is impatiently swinging her Holy Avenger back and forth as they make arrangements and promise to send Allura back to Emon as soon as they can, the sword whistles through the air like a pendulum, stopping briefly at the mention of Allura, before continuing in its arc, a small hiccup in time. Scanlan can’t blame Kima for being eager to leave, she came to kill dragons; she did that and now there’s another one on the loose, and Allura could be in danger back in Whitestone. But Emon was Vox Machina’s home, these people were their people, and now they’re leaving it and them in the care of Daxio, a man they barely know.

Despite their earlier dismissals, they do end up returning to the Keep; Keyleth needs a tree and the forests around Emon are a longer walk than any of them care to make right now. Scanlan’s face lights up as Greyskull comes into view. He expects the party to slow as they approach, to take a moment now that they have time to properly reacquaint themselves with the first home they all made together. Instead Vax at the head of the party, as usual, leads them through the open gate, down empty corridors and to the Temple without pausing.

“Okay, anybody need anything?” Keyleth asks, already stepping up to the tree in preparation to cast the spell.

“We’re not gonna go through the- Not gonna go through your rooms or anything?” Scanlan laughs trying to pass the question off as a joke.

“We’ll be back here,” Vex says, her voice kind, always a bit too perceptive.

“Change of underwear?” Scanlan grins wide, to make a farce of the sudden concern he’d had for leaving.

“It’s all at Whitestone,” Vex jokes back, and Scanlan appreciates the attempt, but it stings more than a little. Everything is back at Whitestone. Scanlan notices Percy turn around at the mention of his homeland; he and Vex lock gazes briefly and share a small smile.

“What’s that?” Bless Grog, the group groans or make noises of disgust depending on their disposition at the reminder that Goliaths aren’t big on social graces, under which category underwear apparently falls, and fail to notice Scanlan’s withdrawal.

Everyone lines up, and that’s it, no more discussion of going back for anything. All that they need is in Whitestone now and the Keep is what? Superfluous? It’s been mere weeks since the dragons attacked, and during that time they’ve had to leave a few things behind in Whitestone: extra clothes, loot that was too heavy to carry, people they had saved; they traveled light in the race to find the Vestiges of Divergence and defeat the Chroma Conclave. Things were left in Whitestone, but they had to abandon an entire life here at Greyskull.

Scanlan doesn’t expect much in the way of sentimentality from Grog. As long as he has some shiny to spend on ale, women, and more ale, and his weapons close to hand, Grog is happy wherever the rest of Vox Machina wash up. But he had hopped that the rest of them would feel something upon returning to Greyskull.

Vax is the only one who took something, a single flower from Keyleth’s garden, but not because this was home. He took the flower because he wanted something that Keyleth had grown to keep close to his heart. Scanlan knows that this isn’t his home anymore; home is wherever Keyleth will settle.

Keyleth looks happier about saying “hi” to the Temple trees than being back in the Keep. Her Aramente is nearly complete, soon she’ll return to Zephra, to that place of wind and magic, where she will rule her people for hundreds of years and Greyskull Keep will fade into memory. Scanlan is a gnome, he knows what it is to outlive your friends and see once beloved homes turn to ruin. But he also knows the value of clinging to the ones you’ve made for as long as they remain together.

Percy and Vex, they just want to go back to Whitestone. He can see it in every shared look, the way they brush their hands against each other gently as they linger near each other. They don’t stand any closer than normal, but there’s an intimacy that was missing before and Scanlan knows something has changed, there’s been a shift. No matter how far they wander from each other, they keep drifting back, eyes locking across rooms and battlefields. Percy made Vex a Baroness of Whitestone, gave her a permanent estate to call her own in the land his family once ruled. The place where he grew up with his parents and his brothers and sisters before the Briarwoods murdered all but Cassandra. Percy asked Vex to make Whitestone her home too, neither of them caring that they already had one here at Greyskull with Vox Machina.

Pike is chattering away, sitting on Grog’s shoulders with barely a passing glance to her surroundings. She’s clearly happy to see Sarenrae’s Temple still standing, but not overly concerned about leaving again. There’s ash, sweat, and blood smeared across her face, and a lock of hair cemented to her cheek by some combination of grime and fluids. Scanlan has never seen anyone so beautiful in all his life, and he knows in his heart that he never will. She saved him today, used the last of her magical power to bring him back from the dead. Pike held him while he shivered in a cave transformed by the plane of fire, lava flowing not fifteen feet away from him. She breathed life back into him with her words, and he will never be good enough for her. Scanlan had promised Pike that he would take her off of the pedestal that he’d placed her on when they first met, get to know her as a gnome and as a woman, and he truly had, it wasn’t his fault that Pike was even more amazing when you added in her faults and flaws. Scanlan would never be good enough for her, and she would never love him the way he loved her, and he was okay with that. Being her friend was a far greater gift than he deserved.

Keyleth performs the spell, opening a portal between the tree in the temple and the Suntree in Whitestone’s town square. As everyone rushes through Scanlan takes a moment to look around the Keep, the first place he called home since his mother’s death, and says goodbye. He had vowed to return one day with his family, after they had defeated the dragons and liberated Emon.

Thordak was dead now, and Emon was free, but his family didn’t call this Keep home anymore. Scanlan told Vax once that the reason he was able to keep going, to keep smiling in the face of insurmountable odds and overwhelming darkness was because his life was better now than it was before. This life, these people, the home he had made with them, they made him stronger. They made him happy. They kept him smiling.

As the portal closes behind him and he looks around at a beautiful Whitestone morning, the sun just starting to crest the horizon, his friends, his family surrounding him, Scanlan knows: This isn’t better anymore. They’re all going to leave him soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I am not trying to hate on any of the characters in Critical Role, this is just an examination of Scanlan's mental state and what might have led him to his extreme actions later in Whitestone. I love all of the cast, I'm just very worried about my smol son.


End file.
